The Writing on the Wall

What is the fascination with writing on bathroom walls? Is there something about urinating that triggers a thought in the brain, "I must write something profound on the wall." I say "profound" in a very sarcastic manner. But if you ever need to find a good time, I am sure you can find a phone number to call in a bathroom stall.

Then I think to myself...... Why do I always read this garbage on the wall?

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I Saw the Sign

I was driving to work this morning, spacing out as always and then I saw the sign. I will certainly think twice the next time I try and get away with something, because God is always watching me. (Thanks, Eric)

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The Office Christmas Party

Every year around this time, offices around the country begin to have their holiday Christmas parties. The parties give us a chance to let our hair down and have a few drinks with our co-workers. Of course this year my office is doing nothing. PLUS.... We don't get a bonus. So whoever said County Government employees have it easy... Think twice.

But thanks to my wife this year and her work I get a free steak and lobster dinner, PLUS.....Free Drinks and she gets a bonus! YES!.

So for all of you attending office parties this year, here are the Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Office Christmas Party (according to David Letterman)

10. Eggnog smells suspiciously like Liquid Paper.
9. Anyone caught under mistletoe gets choked by Latrell Sprewell.
8. Because of "corporate downsizing," Santa is only 120 pounds.
7. Only food available is something called "reindeer kebabs."
6. Last time you saw this much sucking up was on the Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson videotape.
5. Christmas tree is just a fat intern in a green sweater.
4. For the 16th year in a row, the Canadian band leader has passed out in the eggnog.
3. Thanks to the alcohol-free punch, not a single butt gets photocopied.
2. Boss offers to give you a raise, and he's not talking about money.
1. It's held every year on July 23rd.

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Kentucky Fried Chicken

There has been something that has been bugging me lately. Why does Kentucky Fried Chicken have the thinnest napkin imaginable. I mean their chicken has to be one of the top five greasiest foods in the world. So, you would think that they would provide a nice thick, soft napkin to soak up the grease off my hands and face. Is the Colonel that cheap or what?
I was at my local KFC last week and I held up my napkin to the light and I could see right through it. Wow.....That's quality. I went through 6 napkins just to keep the grease off my fingers. This is fine when you are inside the KFC eating, but forget eating it in your car. You will definately be wiping your hands on your socks to dry that grease up!

Oh yeah, by the way..... Here is an old KFC joke from my childhood (a little gross). Why doesn't KFC keep toilet paper in their bathrooms? Because it's finger licking good.

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Mental Mirror

Sometimes I can look in the mirror and think that I am the hottest guy on the planet. Other times I can’t stand the look of my ugly, Shrek like face. It is amazing how our mood and self-esteem can change the way we think about ourselves. Have you ever heard the expression “mind over matter”? This is so true of our lives as humans.
With the recent craze of plastic surgery in our society, it makes me wonder what I would change about myself. Other than the obvious, butt implants, I think I like the cards that I was dealt in the looks department. Would you change anything about yourself? Would it take the scalpel of a doctor or can a change in the way you think about yourself do the trick? My thoughts…..Positive thinking is free.

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Friday's - Did you know?

Here is a Friday dose of Did you know?

-TIP is the acronym for "To Insure Promptness.
-On average, you breathe 23,000 times a day.
-A person can live without food for about a month, but only about a week without water.
-Men loose about 40 hairs a day. Women loose about 70 hairs a day.
-About 27% of food in developed countries are wasted each year. It's simply thrown away

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The Moving Stairs

Sometimes right before I get on an escalator I get a little nervous. I am always paranoid that my footing will be off and I will fall flat on my face. In my 28 years on this Earth has it happened? No. Which only means the odds are against me.

Why do they need that emergency stop button? I remember being told of horror stories when I was little about somebody's clothes getting caught in the moving stairs and them being sucked under and killed. That can't be true...Can it? Take a look at his article.

So maybe my paranoia is a good thing. One thing I know for certain.... I will always tie my shoe laces before getting on an escalator!

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The Colgate Curse

If you are like me, you brush your teeth two times a day or maybe even more. The "Colgate Curse" applies to the morning brush. This is the brush before you are exposed to the world, and nobody wants to introduce Mr. Morningbreath to everyone. Keep in mind, this may only happen to me, so I need your feedback......
So there I am, finishing up brushing, spitting out that last mouthful of water and then wiping off my face of any excess toothpaste. I look in the mirror and I think to myself, "There is one good-looking guy, with some minty fresh breath to say the least". But, I have made a fatal error... I have forgotten about......"THE COLGATE CURSE". It usually doesn't hit you until an hour later. You are sitting at work and notice a white paste on your pants.

What is that? That has to be toothpaste. Right?! What was I doing last in these pants? Hmmm.. Then you try to take some water and rub out the white stain.... IT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE. Now the stain has spread out even more. What will others think? AHHHHH, "The Colgate Curse" has gotten me again!

Did I make you look at your pants for that white stain?

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Long Lost Twin

I was signing into my Paypal account today and this credit card ad popped up. It was like looking in a mirror! I think I have found my long lost twin. Of course my wife saw the picture and thought I was crazy. What do you think?

In other news, I finally found Brogan's Irish Cream. Let me explain... Four years ago I went on a Cruise and instead the usual Baileys Irish Creme... they had Brogan's Irish Cream. Which of course I want a few bottles because of the Brogan name. So I was surfing the net last week and I finally found an online store out of New York that sells this Irish treat! You should order some, it makes a great night cap with coffee. Click Here to order your bottle today.

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A Great Week!

This past week was my wedding and honeymoon. The wedding went smoothly and I was able to showcase a few of my dancing skills. For the honeymoon we went to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. What a relaxing time. Here are a few pics of the wedding day and honeymoon. Two more days of vacation, then I am back to reality.

The weather was a perfect 90 degrees and sunny all week!
This was the view from our room. It was a pretty nice place. The name of the place was the RIU Palace and it is an all inclusive resort. Which means all the food and booze are taken care of. I had enough Corona to last me for a couple of years! :)

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Some Bling for your Belly

Much like champagne, Goldschlager has a reputation as a celebration drink. It is touted by style consultants for its ability to increase one's inner bling. Goldschlager actually has little flakes of gold floating around in it. For those of you who don’t know, Goldschlager is hard liquor that has a cinnamon taste.
So one night my friend and I were drinking some Goldschlager with some Bailey’s Irish Crème (Oatmeal Cookie). After a few drinks I noticed that both full bottles were gone. This is when things started to get interesting. My friend began to feel sick to her stomach. She stumbled and fell to the ground. She then proceeded to vomit all over the wall. By this time I was feeling a little gross myself and went to bed. The next morning I woke up and noticed that something shiny was on the wall. The gold flakes had stayed stuck on the wall where the vomit was. Wow. I now had a gold wall. It just goes to show, drinking does pay off sometimes!

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A Must for Downloading

This is a great new tool for your computer that I just found out about. It is a free version of Office that is pretty much identical to Microsoft's version. You can open up any excel or word file in the Staroffice version. I have played around with it awhile and like it alot! So save yourself some money and stick it to Microsoft. Lord knows they have enough money! www.openoffice.org

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Cat Safari

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Second Edition

A new second edition of The Brogan Book has been released. A few new things have been added to enhance the first release and make it even better (hard to believe). It's the same as a DVD coming out with a limited, special deluxe edition. It will make you laugh, cry and really has something for the whole family. Pick up your copy today! Click Here to Buy

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Weight Loss Plan

I have a question to pose. On television ads featuring weight loss plans, why do the before and after picture look so different? I understand that the person should look a lot slimmer. But what about the other changes? I mean, does a tanning package and a bottle of hair dye come with the "wonder" fat-burning pills? Take some time and look the next time you see one of these commercials. In the before picture: A tired looking, pale, dark haired fat woman wearing sweats and a t-shirt. In the after picture: A tan, skinny, blond haired woman in a swimsuit. Come on!
At least make it look realistic.
That is an easy lawsuit waiting to happen. I am going to take the pills and when I don't get tan and end up on a beach somewhere, with blond highlights, I am going to cry "False Advertising". Then I will win my lawsuit, eat steak all the time and get fat. But, the ironic thing is, there will be no fat burning pills to take, because I will have forced the company out of business with my lawsuit.

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Second to None

I came up with a brilliant idea this past weekend. For some reason I kept hearing the phrase "Second to None", on the radio and on television commercials. For some reason all these companies think that they are the best. This got me thinking......
Somebody should start a business named "None". Think about it, it is a marketing gold mine. Everytime an ad says that they are "Second to None", they are actually admitting that your company, "None", is the best. You are #1. They are second to only you.
I am a genius. Pure and simple. :)

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Thank You Target

One of the most valuable things I get from Target each week isn't the groceries I buy, but the plastic bags they come in. This is true of plastic bags from any grocery store. I prefer Target bags because they are a little heavier quality, but that is neither here nor there. The point is..... You can use them for just about anything. Here is just a short list of the wonders of the Target plastic bag. The main thing I use them for is my daily lunch sack. They are perfect. Each day you see the work fridge lined with different grocery store bags. They are so much cooler than paper bags! Okay, here are some other ways to recycle your plastic bags:
1. Use them for cleaning the litter box
2. Use them as a trash can liner in a small garbage can
3. Make a new outfit with them (see picture)
4. Use them to put your old soda cans in
5. They make perfect cat toys (my kitten can't get enough)
6. Use them for taking clothes to the good will
7. Do you have a new pair of shoes and it is raining...No problem, use the sacks to put over your shoes to protect them.
8. If you are a professional hitman, you can use them to suffocate your victims
9. They make a perfect parachute for hamsters!
10. Use them to take clothes to the laundry mat
11. And last but now least...... They are great to vomit in.

Thanks Target! We should be paying for these sacks. :)

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Goodbye Independent Tom

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On the Drive

Today was just like any other day while driving to work. I was listening to some tunes, spacing off and trying not to be blinded by the sun. Then, I saw something. It was car transporter. But, this one was empty. The wheel tracks leading up to the back of the truck didn't look that far from the ground. It looked as if I could just drive my Ion right up it. I starting thinking to myself.... I should try it. Why should I do the same boring thing everyday? TODAY, I AM GOING TO GET CRAZY!!

So I floored my little 4-cylinder Saturn Ion (I felt like Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder). I was determined to get onto the back of the car transporter. My wheels met with the back of the truck, a horrible metal on metal screaching sound pierced my ears. I lost control of the car and did a 360 onto the otherside of the interstate. Wow. I guess the little Ion couldn't handle it. But at least I gave it a shot. :) I can't wait to explain this one to the insurance guy.

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Captain Obvious Award Winner

Have you seen these signs while driving around town? Do they really need to be posted? This easily gets the "Thanks, Captain Obvious" Award for the year. Shouldn't we just know that you love your kids? Do you really need a sign stating the fact? Will this sign stop someone from driving fast?.........NO! You think some road rage driver doing 65mph in your neighborhood is going to see the sign and think to themselves, "Wow, I should slow down, these people love their kids. I will wait until I get to the next neighborhood without a sign, where they hate their kids, to speed up and finish my beer."

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